Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always dreamed of marrying someone filthy rich so I never have to work another day in my life and just focus 100% of my time and energy on my little brats, I mean, angels.
There’s nothing more fulfilling than starting your day at 5am, comforting toddlers who woke up because of a nightmare, and then spending the rest of the day preparing meals, picking up things off the floor, and making sure the kids don’t get crushed by a big ass shelf before my breadwinner husband comes home. Ahhh heaven.
That’s why when my mom friends seek my advice about whether they should quit their office jobs and plunge into the wild, wonderful world of stay-at-home motherhood, I always tell them that they definitely should! After all, misery, I mean, joy loves company.
And because us, SAHMs, obviously have lots of free time, I have developed a very scientific quiz to help moms out there (who are considering to join me in the SAHM club) find out whether they’re truly SAHM material or not.
Ready? Here we go!
) Are you comfortable talking to yourself?
A.) Uh, that’s just weird.
B.) Probably after two to three shots of Vodka.
C.) <Your name> and I have meaningful conversations all day err day. Such a good friend.
) What’s your opinion on yoga pants?
A.) Won’t wear anything but my Lululemons.
B.) They're nice. But I only get to use them once a month.
C.) Comfy everyday uniform!
) What makes your heart race?
A.) Louboutins and Jimmy Choos on sale!
B.) My husband...that sexy thang.
C.) The Amazon guy approaching my house, bringing in my latest online buys.
) How much do you have in the bank?
A.) Enough to buy myself those Louboutins!
B.) Last I checked it was between $3000-$5000.
C.) We have gold reserves stashed away in Switzerland.
) What's your favorite song to sing in the shower?
A.) Natasha Bedingfield’s A Pocketful of Sunshine
B.) Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive
C.) Hmmm...ain't nobody got time for that!
) Which scenario stresses you out the most?
A.) Bumper-to-bumper traffic.
B.) Milk spilled on my favorite carpet. Not just any milk, but breastmilk!
C.) Office politics! I can’t stand humans--large humans, that is.
) How would you fare as a referee?
A.) Geez, can I not? I’d rather watch from the stands.
B.) So-so...but the players better not be violent.
C.) I would absolutely crush it! I got mad skills.
) Describe your snot, spit, pee, and poop-cleaning skills.
A.) No, thanks! That’s my manicure’s worst nightmare.
B.) Acceptable - I can manage.
C.) Exceptional! I can do it even with one eye closed.
) How well do you function on very little or no sleep?
A.) Can’t imagine! People who see me would probably run in the opposite direction.
B.) Caffeine is the answer!
C.) I don’t mean to brag, but I guess I’m living proof that sleep is not a crucial part of human life.
) How do you tame your kid's tantrums in public?
A.) That’s honestly so embarrassing. I’ll probably just remove my child from the situation and take him elsewhere.
B.) No worries, I have gummy bears in my bag.
C.) Easy peasy. Slight smile, lips clenched, eyes filled with burning rage.
Stay at home with kids all day? No way, not you, no thanks. I’m sorry but you’re not in the running to be America’s Best Stay-at-Home Mom yet. Go back to your cubicle.
Hmmm… You’re almost SAHM material, but not quite. Better polish your negotiation, conflict resolution, planning, and self-talking skills so you can sit with us, I mean, join our club!
Congratulations, you’re one of us! Time to hand in your two weeks’ notice and take out your wine glass--you’re gonna need it! Well, because, you know, SAHM life is, uh, as luxurious as it’s cracked up to be.
SO, ARE YOU READY TO BE A STAY-AT-HOME MOMMA?
Share your results below!