I’m a list person. Even before becoming a rockstar stay-at-home mom, I’ve always been a fan of lists—grocery lists, to-do lists, bucket lists, you name it! My type A personality craved order and organization, and list-making was a surefire way to help me achieve just that.
Needless to say, it was but natural for me to bring this list-making obsession in my first pregnancy and imminent SAHM life. I had a whole list of things to buy, pack, and do before our first bundle of joy came rolling to our little home. With the support of my stable, calm, and steady type B husband, I ticked off all items from my list.
I was so fucking ready.
Ha ha ha.
Barely a week after I added “mom” to my portfolio, I learned that the list I made was no newborn checklist after all—it was a shitlist! Nothing—not even my newborn baby starter kit— prepared me for the soul-crushing, mountain-moving, universe-imploding journey that was to come!
I really wish someone had sat me down, looked me in the eyes, and told me that motherhood is real-real, and not some exam I can study for, take, pass, and then forget the next day. Mothers deal with real shit, and I mean that both literally and metaphorically.
So in the spirit of creating that proverbial village new parents need and deserve, I thought I’d share a very dope ass list to help mommies-to-be prepare for this world of unknown. Forget the birth announcements, baby proofing shit, and all the baby crap Target is selling you! This is the list. The one and only list you need to get ready for your little human.
So many pregnancy books and articles tell soon-to-be mamas to bank up on sleep as much as possible. Don’t. If you want to get acclimated to motherhood fast, let go of the concept of sleep. Set your alarm to go off once every 2-3 hours per night and make sure to never hit the snooze button. You want motherhood? This is it.
Buy a king-size mattress.
Draw a line on both sides, marking the last three inches of the bed. Then, put a giant box in the center of the bed. Practice sleeping on the edges of the bed, making sure to never touch the box. This will be your new territory once the baby arrives. Embrace it.
Get a pair of nipple clamps.
And no, this isn’t so you can get some kinky fuckery with your partner. It’s to help you get used to the idea of being on the receiving end of cannibalism once the stork delivers the package. I mean you are going to give your child liquid gold, aren’t you?
Time your showers.
Preparing for a newborn is a lot like training for a race--it’s all about the speed. So when showering, train yourself to race against the clock. Set an alarm for three minutes, and gradually bring it down to two minutes, then one. When the alarm goes off, get out of the shower as fast as you can, even if you aren’t completely finished. A little boy named Daksh Choudhary set the record for the fastest time to take a shower--at 33.18 seconds. I don’t know how he did that but I know you can beat that, mama. Beat that.
Remove your bathroom door.
Oh and while you’re trying to beat Daksh’s record, have your husband uninstall your bathroom door. Motherhood strips you off of privacy and uninterrupted time in the shower or toilet, so doors? Huh, you won’t be needing them.
Be a laundry monster.
The arrival of your little human also means you’ll soon be keeping up with the endless clothing changes and baby laundry piles. Boost your laundry skills as early as now. Wash all your clothing, towels, bed sheets, and blankets; include your tablecloths, dishrags, and curtains. Then dry and fold them. Repeat. You see, they don’t call it “laundry list” for nothing.
Lower your standards of cleanliness.
Once the baby arrives, you will have to accept the fact that your house will never look like a magazine spread, period. Embrace that. There will be piles of dirty dishes in the sink, carpets in need of a vacuum, or toilets to scrub. Silence the neat-freak (or your mother-in-law’s voice) inside your head because the truth is, you don’t always have to clean up today. You can always do it tomorrow...or the day after that...or the day after that.
Start doing everything with one hand.
Babies are tiny, snuggly creatures that want to be held all the freaking time. This means that you need to master the art and science of doing anything and everything one-handed. Eating, drinking, cleaning, cooking, writing, using the phone, opening food containers, feeding pets, and even changing diapers--every fucking thing, I tell you!
So there you go.
Motherhood really ain’t for wussies—it’s for fierce warriors!
Well, I can only hope that we’d at least look like Amazon warriors, Wonder Woman version, while we’re at it. But you know, can’t have everything!
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